Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
