Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
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