Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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