So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
