Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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