end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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