Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
