remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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