Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
