i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
