And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I would ride that face into the sunset
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
