She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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