I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
