I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
