Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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