Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
