I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
