I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
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alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
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EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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