She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
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Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
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He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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