You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
