just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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