Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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