I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
