Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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