I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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