Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
