I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
