I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
