Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
