We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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