i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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