I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
