You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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