Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
