On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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