you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
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I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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