when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My breasts were aching with rage.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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