Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
