I just cut my nipple shaving
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize