Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
