you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
