he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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