he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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