he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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