Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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