I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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