4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
