It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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