I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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