we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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