you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
