I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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