I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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