and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
