I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
