I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
