me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
