Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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